Choosing wisely

My name is Henry Smith, and I used to be an archaeologist. I always looked down my nose at treasure hunters, preferring a more analytic and scientific approach to my discipline. However, once I had translated the runes on a golden tablet we found in the Balkans, I was tempted to speak the incantation out loud. After all, they promised immortality to the speaker, and what did I really have to lose?

Let me answer that for you: My manhood. It turns out that the old gods were real, and the magic of a fertility goddess was bound up in that tablet. I have now become her avatar, bringing beauty, love, and fruitfulness wherever I go.